time to let go. i surrender to the universe.

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“Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club

I am abandoning this blog. This post will be my last, but also the most personal one I have or will ever write in a public forum anywhere. I am starting my own business and feel this blog will be in conflict with that. I will continue to journal and write about my personal life, but only for myself. This is a long post, just warning you now.

I scored exceptionally well on my GMAT. In the 95th percentile of all people in the world. I surprised even myself. This score puts me into a very elite category and the interesting position of potentially being able to go anywhere in the world. I want to say thank you to the people who helped me through it, especially Special K, who motivated my ass to get the ball rolling when I was grudgingly barreling through it, and Pras, who gave me so many helpful pointers throughout the entire journey.

For those who don’t know, the GMAT is a grueling 3.5 hour exam designed to intimidate and bully. It is a Computer Adaptive Test; If you get a question right, the next question will be harder, but if you get a question wrong, the next question will be easier. If you are continuously getting right answers, the GMAT throws the meanest and nastiest questions at you as it can. But here is the thing, its beatable and consistently so. I truly believe the difference between a top score and an average score is the level you set the bar at (in anything in life). Its crowded at the bottom, fiercely competitive in the middle, but at the top, a pretty lonely place (credit: Seth Godin I think).

The exam setting is pretty hard core. You have to check in with government ID, then they take your signature, your palm print, and your picture. You are not allowed in there with anything except your government ID, and you must have your sleeves rolled up at all times. To leave and enter the room, you have to be escorted by a supervisor and they must take your palm print on both exit and entrance. The room itself is video recorded and wire tapped to ensure no cheating is going on. They don’t mess around. I felt really good going into the exam on test day. Prior to San Francisco, my test scores were in the 85th percentile, but for some reason I was not able to get past my own mental barriers. But something changed on my return from SF, and I really believe it was my holistic approach that let me go from a great score to an elite score. I ate super clean on my return. I made sure I slept plenty, prayed plenty, and exercised plenty. I continued listening to Paraliminals and going through the lessons in a Course in Miracles and started reading other great teachings. I finally resumed my Yoga practice. I began wearing my barefoot shoes, which really let me feel connected to Mother Earth. Night after night, I was hyper focused at the task at hand; I was in flow. It felt like I was going into a higher level of consciousness, tapping into a much deeper well of knowledge that my own brain could not comprehend by itself. The weekend before my exam, I was putting up monster test scores and I hit a state of relaxation that I have previously never come into for sustained periods, only for brief moments here and there in my meditation practice. I felt connected to the universe. Test day was another story. I felt anxious, I heard my ego belittling me, telling me that I would screw up and get a poor score. I simply observed this feeling, understood that the ego thought it was protecting me, and thanked it for its concern. I went into the testing center with a very high, positive vibrational frequency. I was going to beat this fucking thing. Where most people would quit and guess, I will scrutinize every little detail. Where people would feel pressured and stressed, I will feel excited and exhilarated. There is no question I cannot do, no matter how hard. I sat down waiting to enter the testing room and felt so much anxious, nervous energy from the people in the room waiting to write it. I felt the need to share my energy, so I broke the silence. I helped everybody relax, and the energy went from a nervousness to less nervousness, and I hope they did better because of it. I didn’t see anybody because I was the last one to leave the testing center, despite being the first one there.

I felt great after the test, but at the same time it was bittersweet. The GMAT had been the bane of my existence, and I procrastinated on it far too long. I was supposed to write it last summer, and delayed it almost a year. I could have been going to school in the fall, but will have to wait now. Instead, I pushed it off until I couldn’t push it off any longer, and in the process felt I lost touch with a lot of people that I truly care about. I wanted to share my good news with somebody, but didn’t know who to call. I got a text message from Special K, asking how I did, so he was the first I told. But sitting on the subway on my return home, I’d realized that the only person I wanted to call, I couldn’t. Let me rewind. The following story I have never told even to my closest friends.

It was December of 2007 and I had started to see this absolutely fantastic woman. She was the sexiest little thing I ever laid my eyes on. The type of girl who stops traffic during rush hour. The type who brightens the room simply by walking into it, her radiance blasting out in blinding fashion. She’s the type who could break up a marriage (not like she would) with her smile alone. The type who looks just as good without make up, her hair in a trucker hat, wearing army pants as wearing a beautiful knee length dress, with bright pearls around her neck, high heel shoes and dressed to the nines. Her energy is undeniable, her laughter contagious. As you can imagine, I was smitten. We spent many hours together, seemingly doing nothing but everything at the same time. When she was in my presence, I never felt so at peace, I never felt so myself, I never felt so awesome. I took her to meet my parents, who absolutely adored her. She took me to see hers, and they liked me too. She was my perfect 10. The only girl to make my knees shake every time I’d see her, the only one to make me gasp for air after leaving me breathless again and again. Of course, she wasn’t without her faults. She would get irrational and fast, sometimes to the point of no return. She preferred passion over reason, even if it wasn’t the right thing to do. She was lost, not knowing what she wanted, only knowing that what she had wasn’t it. But worst of all, she never saw in herself the beauty that I saw in her, and that is truly a shame. You might think that her faults were a bad thing or that I didn’t like them, on the contrary, I loved her faults the most. In them, I could see a real human being inside, trying the best she could. Struggling, like every one does, but trying nonetheless. The weaknesses I saw in her, I saw in myself.

She’s gone now, and even though she left me when I wasn’t ready for her to leave, I feel only gratitude when I think of her. She was the Pikachu to my Pokemon, the Mini-Me to my Dr. Evil, the Spock to my Kirk (with these analogies I don’t blame her for leaving). She came into my life when I needed her the most, and together we went through something astronomical that changed our lives forever. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. I miss the way she would pout her lips when she wanted something. Her bratty little demeanor that would drive me insane but simultaneously make my heart sing. I miss the way she smelled in the morning, or the way she would kick me off of the bed unknowingly as she hogged all the sheets in the middle of the night. I’m lucky to experience true, unconditional love and I know it was because in my heart there exists no hate or anger towards her whatsoever, only gratitude, compassion and love. I am really happy to know that people like her do still exist out in this world.

For the past 5 months I’ve been asking myself one question: Why wasn’t I enough? And it wasn’t until this past weekend, after some reflection, sitting on that subway on my way home from the GMAT that the answer came to me. I was enough, I just didn’t believe I was, and because of that, neither did she. My ego told me I didn’t deserve her, that same ego that told me on test day that I was going to fail. Fuck my ego. Everything happens for a reason, this much I know. She taught me that. She also taught me to love, to forgive, to have faith in myself. Something my ego just loves to make me doubt. I have no fear of failure, school beat that out of me. But fear of success? I had no idea it was such a big issue until now. But I’m learning, man. I rarely make the same mistakes. Am I worried that I’ll never find another like her? Not at all, are you kidding me? I wasn’t looking in the first place, but she found me. I believe the universe sent her when it was necessary for me to experience that. Focus your life on your mission, and the universe will send high quality people into your life. Besides, I won’t ever find one like her, as everybody is unique and she is as unique as they come, but that doesn’t mean women of exceptional quality won’t ever gravitate towards me again. I hope my single guy friends remember that one. Don’t latch on like a damn leech to the next one you find because you think you’ll never find one again. Happy people come from abundance, remember that. No external person/place/thing can bring that happiness to you.

By my side, I have an army of great people. Loving, caring, amazing people. I remember the terrible trip back to Toronto from San Francisco. The plan was to get picked up by my father in Buffalo, and then Rocket was going to drive me into work Monday morning after a nice rest on Sunday. That didn’t happen, and instead I had to do some emergency re-routing and fly directly into Toronto and head straight into work. I let my manager David know I was going to be 2.5 hours late, and he didn’t get upset. He simply thanked me for letting him know. As I was at work, my dad messages me and tells me I left my keys in Niagara, and so I would have to go back to NF after being awake for 24 hours or I wouldn’t be able to get into my apartment. I call Rocket and ask him if I can get a ride back. Since I came into the office late, I would work late. He was going to wait for me. I told him that its ok, I’d find another way home. He offered to leave his car for me. Instead, my dad drives to Toronto and hands me my keys, and then takes me out to dinner and drives back despite me telling him not to. While I was in San Francisco, Ahmed offers me yet another business plan that he’s interested in (the guy never quits) and asks me to be a part of. I check my Facebook and Ernie sends me a message, a friend of his needs some help and Ernie recommends me with the following comment: “I msg’d my buddy Martin Wong about the position you need filled..i totally vouch for this guy – theres nothing i wouldn’t trust him with – theres not too many people on the planet i can say that about.” My manager David sends me an article to my personal email”Cut the Cubicle Umbilical Cord: The Seven Traits of the Free Man” – he knows whats up. The best manager a guy could ever ask for. Because I was going to be busy studying for the GMAT the coming days, I would have no spare days to watch Wolverine except that night. Without hesitation, Mike changes his plans and comes to visit and watch it with me (and I didn’t fall asleep!).

That night, as I lay in bed exhausted but wide awake, I realized how fortunate and blessed I truly am.

I have never in my life been as hungry as I am now. Hungry to live. Hungry to be. That’s it. My desire for material goods has fallen to virtually zero. Every step I take, my path becomes clearer. My vision, sharper. I wake up feeling alive, ready to take on the challenges of the day. I have started P90X, which thus far has been BRUTAL. I love it. I am committed to sticking with it, and look forward to seeing the results. I wrote my will over the weekend, something I was afraid to do for far too long. Death is just the beginning of another journey, and I’m ready for that journey whenever its my time. I’m starting to research socially conscious MBA programs, so that if I decide to do my MBA it will be at a school that teaches environmental and social responsibility. I believe I can make money without being a capitalist pig, or a puppet of a capitalist pig. I believe I can make a difference to not only myself, the ones I care about, and the people around me, but also the world, the environment, all humans and other living creatures. My life is now in dedication to that pursuit. I am living life to the fullest, and will strive to my full potential, my best self, the one I was destined to be.

Still reading? Awesome, thank you for your loyalty. If there is one thing you could take away from all of this, it is this: Your destiny is in your hands, your destiny is in your hands, your destiny is in your hands. FUCKING TAKE IT!!

That’s it, thank you for reading. This blog will self destruct in 3…2…1…